The Modesty Problem: Covering Up Self Esteem
I wrote this piece recently for The Holy Ruckus. It was published on July 31, 2022.
"The Modesty Problem: Covering Up Self Esteem"
I have been involved in youth ministry for most of my life. As an adolescent in the 90s, I attended youth group at my Church and went to a Catholic school. Also as a teen in the 90s, I followed the trends that were presented to me such as grunge wear and the “skater look”. Generation Z thinks that they invented the baggy, wide leg pant and flannel shirt, but the millennial knows the term JNCO and was avidly raiding their grandfather’s closet for his old flannels before these Gen Zers were alive.
As a teen in the 90s, I also was presented with the images of paper-thin models and purity culture. I was taught not only from my television screen and magazines (thankfully there wasn’t also social media back then), but also from my Church that my body needed to be covered up for one reason or another. Either it was too big to see the light of day because I have never been a size 0, or I was told that I needed to cover it so that I would “guard the hearts and minds” of the boys around me at my Catholic school.
I should say as a current teacher at a Catholic school and a practicing Catholic, I understand the benefits to modesty and continue to practice modest fashion in my life. I do, however, envy the Gen Z generation that feels more comfortable in their own bodies. I believe that modesty has its rightful place and beauty and as an adult woman, I have always chosen to cover my body to present myself in the way that I feel commands respect and makes me feel comfortable. However, I would be lying if I didn’t also say that part of the reason I choose to cover up is because I have internalized shame from the messages I received growing up.
The purpose of this article is to call into question why and how we impose modesty on young women. I myself look back at my times as a youth minister in my 20s and shudder now knowing that I publicly shamed some of the girls who wore shorts that were too short at a service camp or gave talks about how we as women have the responsibility to guard men because “they are like microwaves and we are like ovens” and they “warm up faster” than we do sexually. There are benefits to modesty and modesty is more than just the way that we dress; it is a mindset. But we have to do a better job as a Church and as a society of explaining that mindset and why it is beneficial to men and women.
Having gone to a Catholic school my whole life and struggled with my body image and weight, I will never forget how horrified I was in my senior math class when my teacher called me up to shame me for the pocket I had on my behind and made everyone look at my rear end because I was violating the “no outer pockets” part of our dress code (thanks to the cargo pants fashion trend of the 90s as well). And I now find myself having to give girls sweatshirts at the school I teach at today to “cover up” if they are wearing leggings or yoga pants. If we are not wanting to put women’s bodies on display for the wrong reasons, then why do we still put them on display only to show how “wrong” or incorrect they are?
As I previously mentioned, I wish that I had the messaging that I see today with celebrities like Lizzo who flaunts her body as it is. Now, some people would look at Lizzo’s TikToks and be scandalized because she truly shows her body. But for me and many other plus-sized women, we have never been told or taught that we can love our bodies as they are. Even though my faith does tell me that God has created me perfectly and loves me as I am, I don’t feel that when I am being told to cover myself up either for my own good or to help men who might be tempted.
I am learning to unlearn all that society, and even the way the Church at times, has taught me to not love my body. And again, I know that the truth of the Church is that I should love my body because it is powerful and can give life. However, the way that truth has been packaged has not been as effective as the shame that has been instilled. If I am honest, I still do not fully love my body. It is a continual process. I do wholeheartedly believe that what God creates is good and that all of us, regardless of what our bodies look like, are a part of that truth. I am writing this because I believe that we need to better articulate, just like all of the Church teachings, to others why the Church teaches what it does and the beauty of those truths, rather than the fear or shame of not following or understanding those teachings.
If I’m honest, even the catechism, which I obviously hold sacred as it stems from Scripture and I hand on its teachings to my students, doesn’t really explain the “why” behind modesty well in my mind. It defines what it is in paragraphs 2521-2524. Paragraph 2525 says that Christian purity “brings freedom from widespread eroticism and avoids entertainment inclined to voyeurism and illusion” but it doesn’t explain why or how. Lizzo showing her full body might be voyeuristic and erotic. But for a woman who has never really been told that a body like that can be beautiful or sexual, there is a sense of empowerment.
I know that modesty seeks to keep our bodies from being looked at in a sexualized or objectified manner. As someone who has always fully covered up, I can say that I have gotten catcalled even when I am in an oversized t-shirt and baggy workout pants. And when I am trying to enforce dress codes with seventh grade girls today, they give me the same justification- that they will be objectified regardless of how they dress. And honestly, I don’t know what to tell them. I know that the goals of the talks that I had to give students as a youth minister in my 20s were meant to empower them and to present their bodies commanding the respect that they deserve. I still teach that to my students. I am just saying that we need to do a better job explaining that message.
There needs to be a balance between mental health, female empowerment, and un-learning misogyny if we are going to implement modesty properly. I choose to dress modestly because I do want to demand respect from those around me, but I would be lying if I didn’t say part of it is also because I have internalized shame from some of the things that I’ve already shared. And that shame goes back to the Garden of Eden and is the result of Original Sin. I know that the Church’s goal is to free us from that sin and shame, but just calling it out isn’t enough. We need to love, lift up, and empower.
I think the conversations about modesty are changing and I pray that they are doing so for the positive. As I’ve said, as it is with all Church teachings, the truths are there and they are good. However, I believe that we need to repackage the way that we present that truth. We cannot give the sole responsibility to the girls and tell them to just cover up as a solution. We need to build up the self-worth of both men and women alike and show how modesty does empower. I know that this is the ultimate message, but we have to do less shaming of the outside and more building up of the inside of the person.
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