Forgiveness: Finding Common Ground

Originally published for The Holy Ruckus on Oct. 19, 2020

I recently led a reflection for a virtual retreat centered around the theme of forgiveness. When I think about forgiveness, I tend to think as the Apostles did when Jesus tells them at the Last Supper: “tonight, one of you will betray me”. I look at Him and others and say, “surely not I, Lord!” Surely, I do not have anyone that I am harboring any hatred toward. I am right in all of my relationships; there is no one that I need forgiveness from nor do I need to extend forgiveness to anyone!

While it’s true that I may not have any deep rooted, glaring divisions in my relationships right now, there are always those little underlying annoyances- the colleague at work that I am always prone to roll my eyes at, the student I cannot be patient with, the family member who has always gotten under my skin. Even though these relationships may still function on the surface, my clinging to some grievance is always there and can be harmful. 

One of the readings for the retreat that week was from Sirach 27 & 28. Sirach 27:30 reads:

“Wrath and anger are hateful things, yet the sinner holds them tight.”

Surely, not I, Lord?

Even if I don’t see myself as wrathful or hateful, do I not cling to those examples I mentioned? The opportunity to gossip about the annoying coworker or the family member? Am I not in need of forgiveness for those things?

So how do we seek forgiveness in those moments? I could certainly seek the Sacrament of Confession. If necessary - as a passage from Matthew 18 indicates - I could go to my brother or sister and address the issues, even if I think they are minor. If going to my brother or sister will extinguish the flame of this wrath or anger, then I should address it. 

Many of us do not like conflict. I myself was raised in a family that much prefers passive aggression to talking out issues. This has always baffled me. I prefer to address issues head on. Not in an aggressive way, but in a realistic way, (though, admittedly, not always in the spirit of forgiveness.) So maybe that is what makes forgiveness so complicated- we have to meet everyone where they are. Later in Sirach 28, verse 4 asks “Could anyone refuse mercy to someone like himself?”

There is one particular instance when I learned this lesson of finding common ground to foster forgiveness and mercy. After graduating from college, I did a year of volunteer service. In this program, volunteers were placed on teams and we lived and worked together. There was one particular girl on my team who was very different than I. I can be vain, am into fashion, and often hung up on appearances. She was not. I am very immersed in pop culture and into knowing what is trendy and “cool.” She was not. Finding things to talk about with her seemed so difficult for me and so I actively ignored her. This was a true feat since we were essentially living and working together! 

I remember that one day when we found ourselves alone in the house, she finally said something like: “why don’t you like me?” And I could only think: “we have nothing in common.” After an awkward, but fruitful conversation, we decided to focus on the things that we did have in common. We could talk about our volunteer work. We traveled as a team, so we could talk about the places that we visited. We could learn about each other’s families. We could check in with each other about our relationship with God. We could talk about prayer. Was our relationship perfect after that conversation? No, but I began to have an empathy for her and I know that she made an effort with me as well. 

Going back to the reading that I had to reflect on for this retreat from Sirach, Sirach 28:2 says: “Forgive your neighbor’s injustice.” For me, THIS is the tough one. How do we show mercy for those that we disagree with fundamentally? Especially those that we believe are doing a great injustice? 

I may not be able to overlook the injustice that is being done, but even in the midst of the “wrath and anger” (to quote Sirach) that might exist, I can still find common ground, just as I did with my teammate. In fact, we must look past the wrath and anger and seek what that person’s intention is. We need to sit down and have that conversation as I did with my teammate and address, “why do you feel this way?” in a calm manner. And we must be open to hearing the other person’s response, not just immediately thinking of our own. 

None of us are immune from anger or prejudice. We all need to seek and offer forgiveness. In this divisive time, we may only see the differences. But this can be a time for reconciliation and growth. I continue to pray that we will meet each other where we are and find common ground. We need to stop pointing the finger at one another saying  “surely not I”  but rather say, “Yes, surely I” and start our work there within ourselves.