How to Thrive as a Single Catholic

Originally published on The Holy Ruckus website on July 30, 2020

As Catholics, we love to talk about vocations. And I mean, I get it. It’s pretty important and sounds like a pretty good deal. A vocation is a call and it can make us feel chosen or special; it is how we are set aside for God. A vocation, as I have understood it, is how we can best love God and grow in holiness. But that can be a pretty tall order to figure out such a definitive and important, life fulfilling thing! In my twenties, I agonized over what my vocation would be. I felt like I had to determine it right then and there or otherwise I would be delaying all that I could do for God. 

I have written posts about vocations before. In fact, when I was in my twenties, I started a whole blog about my vocation journey. You see, when I was 26, I entered religious life. I had graduated college at 22, done a year of volunteer service, a couple of years in ministry at a parish and while at the parish, visited some religious orders and prayed ( A LOT ) about how I could best serve God through my vocation. I’m talking daily Mass, Adoration, and lots of spiritual direction until I finally thought that, “Yeah. I could give my life to God in this way.”

At 26, I already felt like the “old maid” which is completely ridiculous looking back now at the tail end of my 30s. To think that I could know definitively what God was going to do with me at any point in my life seems to limit Him. Even if we believe that we know what our vocation is to be, God can always surprise us. I was narrowly looking at all that vocation could do. This is partly my own issue, but I do believe that our society puts pressure on us to figure out “what we are going to do with our lives” at an early age if we are going to be successful. There isn’t a set timeline for life (God is outside of time, y’all!), but there seems to be an unwritten rule that if you don’t figure it out before 30, you are wasting your time and God’s.

While I am glad that I “tried” religious life, if we are speaking in terms of vocations (which we are!), it was not life-giving for me. And that is another important thing that I learned about vocation at this time- whatever we are called to do, it should produce joy and be life giving. This is harder to define for a single person, I think, as we aren’t giving ourselves fully to a spouse or consecrating ourselves as a consecrated single or religious person does. But a single person can still create- we can create in our work, in our hobbies, in our own homes- and we still sacrifice and give of ourselves, it just looks different and is less straightforward than someone who lives in a community or has a family. I still desire community and to give myself in prayer to God as I did when I was discerning religious life, but I have since realized that I personally can do this as a single person and it allows me to be more fully myself and I have more joy. 

Now, the single vocation I feel like is still considered the ugly stepsister (which, fairy tale tropes are kind of  how we got here, but that’s perhaps another blog for another time) of the religious vocations. It’s kind of like the default setting until you can “upgrade” to find your REAL match. There is a lot of debate, too, if the single life is really a vocation or a state in life.  I am not here to theologically define vocation, but to simply give a little shout out to the single life and its validity in the Church. If we are talking about vocations being something that makes you set apart- how wonderful to be set aside for someone in marriage or better yet, to be completely God’s and His bride. But I have come to find that I am completely chosen and completely God’s as a single woman. 

Vocation is more than just being set aside or feeling special and I think that is where many of us get a little hung up. As I said earlier, a vocation, to me, is how we are called to best show our love for God and grow in holiness. This can change and shift throughout our lives. When I finally gave myself the freedom to not have it all figured out according to the timeline society seemed to have laid out and really discern the gifts that God has given to me and all that they could be used for, I started to embrace the single life. 

Has it been easy? No. When I discerned that religious life was not for me, I felt hurt and even like a failure for a period of time. It was like a called off wedding or engagement. And getting back into the dating pool was completely different than when I had left it. Everything was online now. I was not exceptionally good at dating to begin with (because dating is awkward and who likes to dive into some awkward?) but now with things being less organic, it really was (and still is!) a struggle. 

Then there were the weddings. I was invited to every wedding on the planet from age 22- 32. I was a bridesmaid 8 times. I’ve also sang, lectored, and done everything else one can possibly do to support their friend at a wedding more than once. How did I thrive instead of merely just survive? Well, I started saying “no” to the bouquet toss for one ( I love all things Beyonce, but “Single Ladies” now makes me break out in hives). But instead of being the girl who waited at her table to be asked to dance, I was the first one on the dancefloor, getting the party started. And I can take this little example as a metaphor for the way I’ve now chosen to live my life: 

I’ve decided not to sit around. If my roommates were out with their boyfriends and not able to hang out with me, I would go do whatever I wanted to do on my own. Was there a movie I wanted to see that no one else did? I would go to it by myself anyway. Was there a band in town and no one else could go with me? Went to it by myself anyway. Maybe that sounds sad to some people, but again, I think that is our societal constructs talking, not reality. I still have a desire to be in community, just like I did when discerning religious life, but now I get to seek out community for myself. This can be hard as an adult and I have to be proactive. I registered for my parish and sought out ministries I can help with. I volunteer. I take art classes. If there’s a trip I want to take, and no one is able to go with me, I just take it. 

Single life requires vulnerability in different ways than marriage or living in a religious community do, but each of the religious vocations has their challenges with being vulnerable. When I was living in religious life, we shared everything physically and spiritually. Marriage is like this, too. With the single life, there isn’t that physical vulnerability in the same way, but we do have to put ourselves out there if we are going to grow into who God is calling us to be. And this can be hard because it may not seem like there is anyone backing us up, but over the years, these are the things that have helped me: 

1. Develop a prayer life. God has been my constant. Those days discerning and living in the convent taught me a prayer routine that I am able to continue now on my own. I know that a lot of my married friends with children struggle to find time for prayer. Not to pit one vocation against another, but I do get to give my entire self to God more freely because I have the time and availability to do so. 

2. Don’t wait on the sidelines. Get in the game. Not necessarily the dating game, but if that’s for you, God bless. I personally cannot handle one more Theology on Tap or Young Adult parish event, but I still “get out there”. For me, it’s not putting on hold or waiting to do the things I want to do. It’s a way to open yourself up to new experiences and grow as a person and with God. 

3. The single vocation is not just a default vocation on your way to your “real” vocation. We can all be called to many things throughout our lives and we should constantly evolve no matter what God has called us to do. We are living and loving God the way He has created us RIGHT NOW, so cultivate it! Think about the gifts that God has given you and think about how you can use those gifts to serve the Church now in the present. 

4.  Know that you are not alone. I know that as a single person, we spend a lot of time alone, but the gift of single life is that we can make our own communities, we just need to be proactive and seek them out. 

5. Jesus is our model. We are in good company! The best even! Jesus gave us the perfect model for how to live as a single person (but no pressure!). He shows us how we can serve and pray and hang out with our friends and give of ourselves in ways that can absolutely help us grow in love and holiness.

We need to change the narrative of the single vocation and we can be that change. We are not all just wasting away chasing dreams in bars waiting for the next best thing. We are complete. So let’s show that to the world by being the best creation that God made us to be.